When the wife was pregnant with little Goliath, she asked if I’d still find her attractive when she put on weight. “More weight,” I instinctively corrected.”

It’s perfectly understandable if a lady’s weight yo-yo’s after such a stressful event, but with the wife, it merely yo’d. There’s no excuse for a Premiership footballer to ‘tubby up’ in such an outlandish fashion, so I hope there’s no truth to the rumours emanating from Ewood Park.

It’s alleged that a number of senior pros became hooked on pie and mash during the summer break. If the word on the street is correct, the players were so fixated with this culinary abomination, they stored a substantial amount of Fray Bentos pies in the club canteen.

Mark Hughes was understandably livid when he discovered the secret stash and immediately placed a lock on the freezer.

Robbie Savage considered the manager’s act a blatant violation of his civil liberties and threatened to leave the club if he wasn’t granted immediate access to the forbidden pastries. Mark Hughes stood his ground though, and refused to release the pie-key.

The 6/4 for Middlesbrough to open their campaign with a win over Blackburn is as delicious a treat as anything locked away in Sparky’s freezer of shame.

I was quite surprised when the news broke that Robert Earnshaw had joined Derby; the little Welshman obviously misunderstood when asked if he would like to join the Rams. Earnie can help Derby take a point off Pompey at 9/4.

Roy Keane was a fierce competitor on the pitch: he went through more footballers than Gemma Atkinson. He’ll need the same fighting spirit from his team when they face a formidable Tottenham side; I’m tucking in to the Spuds at 13/10.

Newcastle have gone down the multinational road in their search for new signings. Big Sam has signed a Brazilian, a Spaniard, a Cameroonian, a Czech, an Aussie, an Englishman and a Scouser. It wouldn’t surprise me if he made a move for the promising Russian international, Ivan Terbungoutofit. The Premier League computer has mischievously sent Newcastle to Bolton for their opening fixture; Big Sam has it in the bag at 2/1.

I have a lot of faith in Andy ‘Magic’ Johnson, even though he’s yet to master the ‘staying on his feet’ trick. I’ll be making the 8/11 for an Everton win over Wigan disappear.

If given the choice to play for Chelsea at Stamford Bridge or represent a George Bush 11 in Iran, I’d probably plump for the latter as the risk of injury diminishes significantly. Jose must be cursed; I’m taking Birmingham at 11/2 to snatch a shock draw.

I’m finding it hard to pick a winner in the West Ham v Manchester City match. I asked the wife for her opinion, but she’s also sitting on the fence. I’m now praying for the draw at 9/4, as I need funds for a new fence.

Aston Villa supporters could not be happier with the progress made by Randy Lerner and Martin O’Neill. The giant may still be sleeping, but he’s being poked with a pointy stick. Villa are overpriced at 3/1 to kick the season off with a win over Liverpool.

Fulham fans must be devastated. Mohammed Al Fayed gave his manager the green light to sign established internationals; and Sanchez tucked him up on a technicality. The Cottagers have never won away at Arsenal; the Gooners are the weekend banker at 4/11.

I was disturbed to read that Wayne Rooney has outrageously had his chest waxed. There’s nothing wrong with connecting with your feminine side, but only when you’re trying to find shelter for the little beard-hunter. There’s nothing camp about the 1/4 for a Manchester United win over Reading.

I just hope Ryan Giggs doesn’t follow Rooney’s lead, as the repercussions of dwindling wax reserves could prove catastrophic for small businesses. A little accer on Tottenham, Aston Villa, Arsenal and Manchester United at 13/1 will offer a lifeline to those most under threat.

Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.

where can I find offside statistics for premiership football teams?

In partiulcar, how many offsides do man utd and aston villa both average per game?

Answer
Try opta or skysports and look on the match prewiew on bbc sport.

I’ve never been particularly lucky in love. As a result of a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women after a skinful of lager when the beer goggles are on. Even Kermit would have turned his nose up at some of the pigs I’ve tried my luck with.

I raised the bar marginally higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain to ask for a date, but she just blew me off.

I did find fleeting love with a diminutive woman called Dot. But just like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via a text message. I’m completely over her now though; I buried her under the patio. After extensive digging I’ve discovered 13/8 for a Tottenham win over Middlesbrough.

Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole claimed that her ‘husband’ didn’t enjoy his final days at Arsenal as he believed that his foreign team-mates were all ‘talking about him’. I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving wife could end up such a paranoid wreck; and Ashley Cole is definitely a talented footballer. The 4/9 for a Chelsea win over Wigan is convenient.

Steve Bruce is definitely feeling the pressure. The potato-headed manger couldn’t bear to watch as Birmingham played Wigan last week; although this is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon amongst the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed at 8/11 against Birmingham; that’s unusually exhilarating.

It’s no coincidence that Arsenal are producing champagne football after dropping the bitter Lehmann. I believe the morale-boosting team huddle is a major factor in the Gunners’ improved form, or it may just be an opportunity to talk about Ashley Cole. Everybody should be talking about the 6/4 for an Arsenal win over Manchester United.

Sam Allardyce will go head to head with Harry Redknapp at St James’ Park, in a match that the gutter press are labelling ‘Panorama II’. I’ve been investigating the history to this fixture and I’ve discovered that Pompey last won in Newcastle in 1949. The Toon can continue their practical ownership at 11/10.

A member of the Royal family has allegedly been caught up in a sex scandal. I just hope it’s not Charlie, as i have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. One set of Royals who won’t be going down is Reading; they’ll leave Fulham with a point at 9/4.

Aston Villa appear to be certainties at 1/2 against a woeful Derby County. The Villa have looked fearsome on their own patch this season, while the Rams are conceding almost three goals a game on the road. The only money going on Derby will be Freddie Flintoff’s.

Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed Gary Megson. I’m all for positive discrimination, but this move reeks of desperation. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can sneak a fortuitous draw at 5/2.

Like most people who enjoy a swift couple of beers, I often struggle to undress when I’m the worse for wear. I’ve now patented a machine that takes your shirt off for you automatically; it’s provisionally called ‘The Carragher’. I’m all over the 11/5 for a Blackburn win over a depleted Liverpool.

Manchester City may have started the season impressively, but Sven was on the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea last week. To make matters even worse, his team then lost 6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I believe that result was merely a blip; City will explode into life on bonfire night against Sunderland at 8/13.

Being a persistent soul, I’ve decided to ask Helen Chamberlain to accompany me to a small fireworks display. I’ve already bought her a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City form a 13/1 weekend accer that will more than cover the expense.

Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.

what year did aston villa win european cup in football?

Answer
Aston Villa won the European Cup in 1982 when they defeated Bayern Munich of GERMANY 1-0 in the final which takes place at Feijenoord Stadion, Rotterdam, Netherlands on 26 May 1982. Peter Withe scored the winning goal.

When Steve McClaren unveiled Gareth Southgate as his first signing for Boro back in summer 2001 few fans could have foreseen what an eventful eight years he would go on to have on Teesside.

The highly-rated England international’s decision to join Boro caused a stir at his former club Aston Villa given that he had always maintained that he wanted to move to a big club where he had a chance of winning honours – and then joined a club that had won nothing in it’s entire history!

Southgate proved to be an astute signing by McClaren as he went on to form a solid defensive partnership with his old Villa team-mate Ugo Ehiogu at the Riverside and took the club’s Player of the Year award in his first season.

McClaren was so impressed with Southgate’s ability he wasted no time in handing him the captain’s armband in the summer of 2002 when Paul Ince departed for Wolves.

Southgate went on to be a mainstay of the Boro side and on February 29 2004 he became the first captain of the club to lift a major trophy after Boro defeated Bolton Wanderers 2-1 in the Carling Cup final at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium.

That monumental day in the club’s history also had the reward of European football being guaranteed for the 2004-05 campaign as Boro fans could look forward to watching teams from around the continent arriving at the Riverside Stadium and enjoy trips to see the club play competitively abroad.

Southgate led a star-studded side in that first European campaign as experienced stars such as Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Mark Viduka were draftred in to bolster the forward line. However, after a notable 3-0 group win over Lazio, the UEFA Cup run ended on a hot night in Lisbon as Sporting defeated Boro 4-2 on aggregate in the knockout stages.

The 2005-06 campaign was to be Southgate’s final one as a player and it ended on an unbelievable note as Boro – via two amazing comebacks against Basle and Steaua Bucharest – reached the final of the UEFA Cup in only their second season in the competition.

Unfortunately Boro were well beaten 4-0 by Sevilla in the final in Eindhoven, which turned out to be McClaren’s final game in charge as he had been lined up to replace Sven-Goran Eriksson as England coach.

Boro chairman Steve Gibson revealed to the fans he wanted a top-drawer manager to replace McClaren and then stunned everyone when he announced that Southgate would be handed the reins, despite the fact he had no experience or relevant UEFA pro Licence.

Having won over the Premier League in the battle to employ Southgate as manager, he guided Boro to a respectable 12th-placed finish in his first season.

The cracks started appearing in the second season – 2007-08 – as Yakubu and Jonathan Woodgate were allowed to follow Mark Viduka out of the exit door, while another mid-table finish was overshadowed by a disastrous 2-0 home defeat to Cardiff in the FA Cup quarter-finals. Many fans felt that should have spelled the end for Southgate’s tenure given that it represented Boro’s best chance to win the trophy and the players just did not turn up!

Boro did end the season on a high note with an 8-1 win against Manchester City, but that merely handed the fans false hope for what was to come.

Cost-cutting measures and a desire of key players to leave saw veteran goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer, combative midfield duo George Boateng and Lee Cattermole, experienced right-back Luke Young and creative midfielder Fabio Rochemback lost from an already small squad.

Southgate brought in French Under-21 midfielder Didier Digard and Dutch striker Marvin Emnes for a combined fee of around £6million, while Justin Hoyte was brought in as a cheap replacement for Young and Ross Turnbull and Brad Jones were given the chance to fight for Schwarer’s place. All proved to be a gamble too far for the club.

A decent start saw Boro go up to eighth in the Premier League after a 2-1 win at Aston Villa last November.

However the season fell apart from that game onwards as Boro managed just two more wins in the Premier League, and broke club records for 12 successive away defeats, lowest number of goals in a season and they were subsequently relegated after a 2-1 defeat at West Ham on May 24.

Many fans were already resigned to the drop – with the 3-0 defeat at West Brom in mid-January my personal landmark result when I knew we would not survive if Southgate remained at the helm.

Boro’s demise came as a result of a loss of valuable experienced squad members and an over-reliance on youth to keep the wage bill down – something which Southgate could not be blamed for.

However he was to blame for squandering funds on unproven foreign players not cut out for English football, and a perceived lack of tactical, man-management and motivational skills.

Unbelievably, despite the vast majority of supporters clamouring for change, Steve Gibson opted to give Southgate the task of guiding Boro back to the Premier League at the first attempt this season.

Things looked to be going well as Boro were unbeaten in the opening four games and had not conceded a goal. However the inevitable loss of Tuncay and Robert Huth had an impact as Boro’s home form suffered.

Boro’s away form was the best in the division, but a 5-0 defeat to West Brom and 1-0 defeats to Leicester and Watford at the Riverside saw the fans vote with their feet dramatically.

Only 17,500 fans turned up for the 2-0 win against Derby County on October 20 – the lowest league attendance since the Riverside opened in 1995. And, despite Boro being just one point off the top of the table, Gibson thought the time had come for a change to get the fans back united behind the club.

The disappointing home form, the club’s inability to beat their anticipated promotion rivals, the fans’ apathy towards the club and the less-than-convincing performances even in victory had finally taken there toll on the man at the top.

Finally it was time for change; it was time for Gareth Southgate to go!

Written by Craig Smithson, a Middlesbrough FC season-ticket holder and a sports writer who blogs about football betting.

oneBoro, a leading Middlesbrough FC fansite and Middlesbrough FC Forum.

Are Aston Villa Brilliant?

Aston Villa are a top prem side – always been in the prem, 2nd longest overall stay in top flight football – 4th in the honours league !!!!

Answer
Yes

Fulham Football Club is an English professional football club based in Fulham, in the London Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. Founded in 1879, they celebrated their 125th anniversary in 2004, and are in the top tier of English football, the Premier League. Fulham are the oldest professional football team in London, usually considered to have been founded in 1879 (though the semi-professional Cray Wanderers F.C. are the oldest team in London still in existence).

The club spent much time in the old First Division through the 1960s but never gained any major honours. In 1975, as a Second Division team, they contested the FA Cup final for the only time in their history, losing 2–0 to West Ham United, the Fulham side that day containing former Hammers great Bobby Moore. Fulham qualified for the UEFA Cup in 2002 by winning the Intertoto Cup, beating Bologna 5–3 in the final over two legs. In the UEFA Cup, they won through two rounds before being defeated by Hertha Berlin. In the mid-1990s they had a brief spell in the former Fourth Division, but within less than a decade, they advanced into the top flight. No doubt their new millionaire chairman, Mohamed Al-Fayed played a crucial role. In 2009, Fulham had their highest-ever finish in the top-flight, coming 7th to qualify for Europe once again.

The club has produced many British greats including Johnny Haynes, George Cohen, Bobby Robson, Rodney Marsh and Alan Mullery. They play at the historic Craven Cottage, their home since 1896, a riverside ground on the banks of the River Thames in Fulham, having spent two years at Loftus Road while Craven Cottage was undergoing renovations to bring it up to Premier League standards. The club’s training ground is located near Motspur Park (and was where Chariots of Fire among others was filmed), where Fulham’s Academy is also situated, including a mini-stadium where the reserves play. Fulham currently have a partnership agreement with the Boston Red Sox baseball team.

After Fulham’s relegation escape, Hodgson spoke of the need to ensure Fulham never found themselves in such a precarious position again. He struck early during the summer transfer window to claim the signing of experienced, Australian goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer on a free from Middlesbrough on 22 May 2008. On 28 May 2008, the club announced that captain and club legend Brian McBride would not renew his contract and would be returning to USA to play for the Chicago Fire. On 12 June Fulham added the signing of Andranik Teymourian to its summer acquisitions. The 25-year-old Armenian-Iranian defensive midfielder has played most recently for Bolton and the Iran national football team. Zoltan Gera was also added to the squad earlier in the same month, after turning down a new contract with newly promoted West Bromwich Albion. In early July, Toni Kallio, whom Hodgson had signed on loan in January, signed a full contract with the club. On 15 July, Fulham announced the joint signing of Bobby Zamora and John Pantsil from London rivals West Ham. Next followed the saga of Andrew Johnson in which it was reported in the press on 29 June that Johnson (from Premier League rivals Everton) would be joining immediately for up to 12 million pounds. The transfer eventually happened more than a week later and at fees rising to almost 13 million, he is the second most expensive signing in Fulham’s history, (after Steve Marlet), and was looking to make an impact along with the other 9 player Roy Hodgson signed in the 2008–09 season. The current captain is Danny Murphy.

Fulham’s start to the season was not fantastic: a 2-1 defeat away to Hull City. However, two home games in quick succession saw them record a surprise 1-0 victory over Arsenal, as well as a 2-1 win against Bolton Wanderers. They also beat Leicester City in the Carling Cup, but it was a nervy affair for Fulham, who won 3-2 after being 2-1 down with 7 minutes to go: Danny Murphy scored the winner in stoppage time. Four successive defeats, three of which were in the League to Blackburn Rovers, West Ham United and West Bromwich Albion saw Fulham slide down the table: the other defeat, away to Burnley, saw them go out of the Carling Cup. Two draws against Sunderland and Portsmouth helped to stop the rot, and a 2-0 home win against Wigan Athletic was crucial. Fulham then somehow contrived to lose away to Everton, but they rectified this by defeating both Newcastle United and Tottenham Hotspur at Craven Cottage. The win against Spurs was particularly noteworthy, as Roy Hodgson’s side became the first to beat Tottenham under their new manager Harry Redknapp. Two 0-0 draws away to Liverpool and Aston Villa saw them rise to 10th in the table, and they have already picked up over half their points tally of last season. Their 1-1 draw at home with Manchester City, followed by their 0-0 draw away at Stoke City mean that they are now unbeaten in six matches. Following the Stoke match, Fulham had a very comfortable 3-0 win against Boro. Despite not winning either of their next two fixtures, the Christmas period was a satisfactory one for Fulham: on Boxing Day they drew 0-0 away to Tottenham (the year before they had lost 5-1 in the same fixture on the same day), and two days later they snatched a dramatic draw at home to their local rivals Chelsea, with both goals coming from American Clint Dempsey. This saw them cement their place in mid-table, where they still remain at 9th position in the third week of March 2009, a month in which they have had mixed results, losing 1-2 to lowly ranked Blackburn Rovers and 0-1 to Hull City, but sensationally prevailing 2-0 on 21 March 2009 at Craven Cottage against Premier League defending champions and 2008-09 leaders Manchester United, who had two players, Paul Scholes and Wayne Rooney sent off. The goals for Fulham were scored by Danny Murphy and Zoltan Gera. Earlier in the season, the team reached the quarter finals of the FA Cup, eventually losing at home to Manchester United. Fulham finished the season in seventh place allowing them to enter the recently re-named Europa League for only the second time in their history.

The Fulham FC club official mascot is Billy the Badger who was the winning design sent in by Kyle Jackson after an online competition by the club. Billy the Badger wears the number 79 Fulham shirt, in reference to the club’s year of founding (1879). Controversy first surrounded Billy when he tried to cheer up Chelsea manager Avram Grant during a home match in front of the television cameras. Secondly, Billy was seen on television being sent off during the home game against Aston Villa on Sunday 3 February 2008, for breakdancing in the corner of the pitch after the referee had commenced the game. Billy blamed his badger hearing and eyesight for the incident, and apologised to referee Chris Foy. On Wednesday 11 March 2009 Billy walked across the goal during a match although it was not spotted by the referee. The former mascot for Fulham was Sir Craven of Cottage, the Knight. The cheerleaders were known as the Cravenettes, formerly the SW6ers.

Fulham fans consider their main rivals to be Chelsea. Despite this fixture not being played that often in the years preceding Fulham’s ascent to the top division, this is a clear local derby as Chelsea’s ground, Stamford Bridge, is in Fulham. However, it is only recently that the two teams have been competing in the same league. Chelsea supporters don’t consider Fulham to be their main rivals, sharing more intense rivalries with Tottenham Hotspur, Arsenal, West Ham United, Leeds, Millwall and more recently Liverpool. The reason for this is not certain but most likely owes to the fact the two clubs have spent many years in different divisions and Chelsea’s considerably larger fan base.

Fulham consider their secondary rivalries to be with QPR and Brentford. Fulham last played QPR in the 2000-01 season and Brentford in the 1997-98 season. They also have small rivalries with other London clubs, including West Ham and Crystal Palace.

Outside of London, Gillingham are still considered rivals to Fulham despite the two clubs having played in different divisions for the past eight years. Fulham and Gillingham have been involved in several high-tempered matches in the lower leagues. The death of a Fulham fan outside Gillingham’s Priestfield Stadium in 1998 has only served to intensify the bad relationship between the clubs’ fans.

Fulham have a large fan base and have millions of fans all over the world and people love to watch their matches live into the play ground. Fulham fans love to enjoy and experience the thrill during the Fulham match live in the ground. Getting football tickets for Fulham Matches is really a hard task for the Fulham fans. Ticket4football.com solves this problem by offering the Fulham football tickets, easy to get and relatively at cheaper price. So Fulham Tickets are just at the distance of one click from the fans.

Roy brown
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From London
play and watch football

Aston Villa will remain in the top division of English football throughout our entire lifetime?

They are one of the wealthiest (financial stable as well), highest earning and best supported football clubs in the country. Surely there will never be a repeat of what took place in the late 80s?

Answer
Is tgis a question or ur just boasting